I am a twin. I have a twin brother, he’s my identical twin. We look the same, except, depending on diet and exercise, at first glance one of us will look like the fat version of the other. That’s just how it goes being a twin. One of you always looks like the before picture, the other the after. It’s not always a bad thing. One time my brother got sick and standing side-by-side we looked like the before and after picture on a poster warning pirates about the dangers of scurvy.

But most of the time I’ve simply looked like the Weight Watchers “before” picture next to him.

It’s not a big problem. I don’t really have body image problems, I think. I actually use any body image flare-ups as an early warning sign that I might be feeling down. If I look in the mirror in the morning and I think “looking pretty fat today, lardo” (I’m a bit of a bitch to myself in these scenarios) I can either trace it back to accidentally listening to Max Richter’s On the Nature of Daylight earlier in my writing playlist, or I know I’ll be listening to Frank Ocean’s cover of Moon River later that day.

So I don’t have body image problems, or at least so I think, but what I’m about to say is going to directly contradict that theory.

Before I get to that though, an aside.

Having a twin is cheating at life. You cannot name a single video game that wouldn’t be more fun in co-op* because no such game exists—now imagine every day is like that. Imagine your entire life is like that. Even when life drags you apart, you know deep down that there’s a dude out there who would literally burn down heaven and hell to help you out, because you know that’s what you’d do for him.

It’s pretty incredible.

But there are drawbacks. It occurs to me that being a parent of a twin must have been difficult. I’m sure it wasn’t easy on our parents, having two semi-intelligent little rascals running around getting up to mischief. The real world isn’t balanced for co-op play from the outset. You’re supposed to unlock that shit years down the track, not from day dot.

You’re also constantly compared to someone else, which isn’t easy. And people have these weird rules about twins that I don’t think are necessarily true. ‘Twins are never the same handedness’, for example. So I am right-handed, and Liam is left. I’m 90% sure this was determined by having us throw and catch a ball at a young age—I demonstrated a higher aptitude at throwing with my right hand, so I was right-handed. According to the rules, Liam had to be left-handed as a result.

But the twist there is that Liam was always a goofy melon-farmer at throwing and catching. He just has no talent for ball sports. Meanwhile, I have literally been asked if I wrote something using my wrong hand because my handwriting is illegible. I never earned my pen licence. I’ve been writing with a pen illegally for years.

Education-wise, one of us was good at maths and one was good at english. That’s just how it went with twins, we were told. I’m sure you’ve already guessed—I wasn’t the one who was good at English.

And the comparisons aren’t just external.

I know I said I don’t have body image issues, but I also know I don’t have a very symmetrical face. I wouldn’t change anything about the way I look, but I am aware that I don’t have a good side and a bad side, I have side A and side B and they look like they belong to different (but related) people.

The right half of my face is nearly a centimetre higher than the left half. I’m not too ashamed to say that I have studied my face to determine the figure. I won’t say the exact amount but it’s significant. I have photos up on this site, you can see the asymmetry.

At a glance you don’t notice it, of course, which is why the before/after photo system works when I stand next to Liam. But if you look carefully, it becomes clear that there’s something off about my features.

What most people don’t know is that it extends below the face as well. My right collarbone sits a clear three centimetres higher than my left. My right nipple is higher. I can’t really see the rest of my bones but I assume the trend continues through my torso. It mercifully ends at my waist. I don’t have split-level balls or anything. This isn’t feigned modesty, I’d tell you if I did, I just don’t think my testicles are askew. And that gets to me sometimes (Not the part where my balls are symmetrical, the rest of the asymmetry).

I want to reiterate that I don’t think I have a body image problem.

Because it’s not about that. It’s more about the idea that maybe I’m the evil twin.

I’m sure you know the theory. There’s always one evil twin, right. Ahura Mazda and Angra Mainyu, The Scarlet Pumpernickel Pimpernel and Chauvelin, Phoebe and Ursula Buffay. 

Liam being left-handed and not great at sports lead most people to believe that he was the evil twin when we were growing up. We grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, not being great at sports was a big tell.

There are other tells. When I was watching The Shield and Dutch was trying to work out how he could get into the mind of a killer, I thought to myself “well why doesn’t he simply strangle a cat to see what it feels like”.** That seemed pretty prescient, but also probably not a tick in the old ‘good twin’ box.

Also whenever people in my day-to-day life find out I’m a twin, they’re always very quick to say “oh he (Liam) must be the good twin”. Which I brush off as ‘bantz’ but they always laugh a little too hard when they say it, you know what I mean?

So I worry that maybe we had it wrong this whole time. That like Bart and Rat-boy***, I was the actual evil twin. And my asymmetry is what proves it, you see, because symmetry is good and asymmetry is traditionally way more evil than being bad at sports.

That’s why I think it’s not body image stuff. This is existential shit. I spent my whole life believing I was the good twin, but what if I was wrong? There’s no coming back from that. Imagine Unbreakable if the kids hadn’t called Samuel L “Mr Glass”. He wouldn’t have ever discovered his purpose.

Basically, if I am the evil twin, I’m a clear 40 years behind on any evil goals I might not yet know about. And Liam’s evil machinations have been for nothing.

It’s all a bit tragic really.

Onto other things. I’ve been reading Jeff VanderMeer’s Wonderbook, which is a really fun read and very insightful. Definitely recommend it for anyone who is interested in thoughtful worldbuilding. It’s not a bible, you don’t have to do everything it says, but it’s full of great stuff that’s worth thinking about.

I’ve been watching True Detective Season 4. I do not think they stuck the landing. The nods to Season 1 were red herrings that, upon reveal, led to an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction for me. If it had been divorced from True Detective altogether I think it would have been better for it.

I’ve been playing Helldivers 2. Like everyone else. It’s a compelling co-op horde shooter that I think could be better. Specifically, the decision to make the game ‘always online’ does nothing but detract from the overall player experience, and I’m not talking about the fact that the servers are full most of the time. That said, I’ve had a blast with its chunky Starship Troopers vibes and its unashamedly over-the-top satire. Tune in to TheGAPodcast to hear more of my thoughts on it!

And finally a writing update! If you’re reading Blackbirded, thanks! I think it’s going well. I am really struggling with the one chapter a week rule, I want to release more of it already. But I also need to move house, and I lost some time due to an accident last week, so I will keep to my current pace.

I could serialise Till The Heavens Burst? But I don’t know if it’s really appropriate for the format. I’m still working all that out. I do have a solid idea for a proper serial, something that would actually fit the ‘series fiction’ format Lee Child talks about. I’m building out the world of that right now, working out how it might be constructed best.

Anyway, I’m excited for people to see where Blackbirded goes. Tune in on Friday to see for yourself!

*I highlight more fun because sometimes ‘fun’ isn’t the objective of a game, so co-op doesn’t necessarily make every game better.

**This part is not true but it is a funny sequence in a fantastic show.

***Liam won’t love being Rat-boy in this scenario, despite the fact that Rat-boy wins in the end. Classic ‘good’ twin behaviour.